Accepting what is, completely and totally. To stop fighting what is.
There seems to be moments on the trail, where I really come into contact with why this works in my treatment plan for CPTSD. Today was definitely one of those days, where something just suddenly “makes sense” in an emotional way, not just the intellectual way.
For many months, radical acceptance has been a topic of discussion in therapy. There are many things, I am perfectly content with radically accepting most of the time. There are some, I am not. I can radically accept that I fell victim to a covert narcissistic sociopath. I can radically accept that I will NOT get another winter 4k in this season. I can radically accept that my husband will never, ever put his clothing IN the hamper, despite that I placed it 3 feet away from his bedside. I cannot radically accept suffering children and injustice to women and children. That’s my limit.
Today, I was ascending Mt. Kearsarge on the Winslow Trail. I had radically accepted that snow season is over for me (much to my dismay), and didn’t have any spikes in my pack. There seems to be something magical that happens at 2k feet…. today it was ice. Mud on top of and under ice. I was wearing glasses, not contacts and I just don’t trust my depth perception with them. I slipped a few times, realized it was a mistake to not have traction. I planned the next few steps carefully as I pressed on. I was not far from the summit.
Determined to make this happen, I took a couple more steps, not so carefully thought out this time and caught myself before I got hurt. Thankfully! I decided at that point, it was time to bag it. As a solo hiker, you have to take into consideration that if you get hurt, it’s you, you and you on the mountain to get down.
This wasn’t an easy call, but wow. So relatable to many sessions with my therapist. I had a choice to make, to fight what was before me, ill prepared and risk seriously injuring myself (and potentially others who would have to come rescue me) or accept that today just wasn’t that day and hike down in 1 piece.
So many times I have pushed forward in life, without pause. Without time to reflect and plan the route with the best possible outcome. There are two lessons in one from the trail today… radical acceptance is hard, and sometimes life saving. And, take time to pause and plan before taking any actions.
What can you radically accept? What might you struggle with accepting? Do you look before you leap? Check the path ahead first?
It’s all about balance I suppose… these mountains never fail to teach me what I just need to get and am not somewhere else.